Reality bends, but only dreams waver
Here's a taste.
Wish me luck. My plane leaves this wed. Loooong trip, alone. God, I am so not looking forward to the actual getting there....
- Where Is My Head These Days?:Mechelen
- What Is WRONG With Me?: artistic
- Sweet Obsession:that oompa loompa song from the first charlie and the chocolate factory movie...
Me and mom went out last night and took some pictures. I'm too lazy to put them all on here right now though. I uploaded them to myspace last night, so if you want to see them look on my myspace page photo albums and it's the two newest ones. Holiday pics and Last weekend in Belgium. And you can see my new haircut in the pics too.
On another note, I had a panic attack last night about the airport stuff. See, the part of me that looks at this logically knows that this is what I need to learn some independance (because I realize how dependant on mom that I'm getting) and that I do need to go back home. But the emotional part of me is scared half to death. So, yeah.
Anyway, dinner time so I'm going to go.
- Where Is My Head These Days?:Mechelen
- What Is WRONG With Me?: bored
- Sweet Obsession:Birthday Massacre
But as hard as this is going to be...I'm almost glad to be going back. I've had a lot of trouble since I've come here and there's really not much that I'm able to do here besides just sit around. I went to school, it was fun, but I know I wouldn't have lasted because, even though I needed to, I'm not sure I could have learned dutch that fast. You know? If I go back home, I really will know what to do. It'll be hard. Trust me, it'll be hard as hell, but I still know what I'll be able to do:
1) Take care of nana.
2) Get a job.
3) Find out about college.
Simple, ne? But just watch. I'm starting to get a little bit happy about going (because it's pretty much hell here, I'm sorry to say), so something really horrible is going to happen soon. Because that's just the way it seems to work. I was getting excited about going to the UK, and then we couldn;t go. So, yeah. I've come to expect the worst in my life. I only hope that I can get a break one of these days. Like, when I die or something. Cause that's when most people get their's.
Anyway, we got most of the packing done today. I went through my books (cause I have a ton of books) and stuff, and I'm going to be taking one duffel bag (this will be my carry on bag) and three of those somewhat biggish rolling suitcases. This is all of my worldly possessions. Books, clothes, DVDs, bed sheets, pictures, the such. But mostly books. Lol. Damn my bookworm tendacies!
I've also decided that when I get back, I'll go to a hair place and get them to take a look at my hair. Because I really did fuck it up. It won't be hard to correct, I'm just a wee bit scared of trying to fix it myself. lol And I'll probably apply for a job at Barnes & Noble or something.
Wish me luck, dearies. I need it. And wish my nana luck too because she's been having some problems from the surgery and such. Rough recovery, you see. So wish her luck. One of the reasons that I'm going back (besides the fact that it'd just be better for all of us finacially and mentally if I was with nana and not here. Harder to feed three than two, you see) is to take care of her for a while.
And if you think I'm taking this extrodinarialy well....hahahaha This is just the strange mix of my denial and tired acceptence speaking. I've spent most of the past week crying and hurting like hell and now I'm mostly just cried out and tired and wishing it could all be over with, you know? Life is just...exhausting and I'm tired of fighting it for the moment. I want a bit of calm before the storm if you knwo what I mean. I have a feeling my dad will be starting a war about me living with nana and not him when I get back.
But enough about that. It's almost 5:30AM and I need sleep. FYI, this might be my last post for a while. That's why it was uber long.
P.S. If you want to know, my plane leaves on the tenth from Brussels and there is a three hour layover in Philidelphia before reacging my destination of Charlotte, North Carolina. And then there's a five hour drive from Charlotte to my real destination. *sigh* And if you're interested in the current living stituation, we're crashing at one of Neo's friend's apartment in his living room. Yeah, all three of us in one room. *sighagain*
- Where Is My Head These Days?:Some city in Belgium
- What Is WRONG With Me?: nervous
- Sweet Obsession:Evanescence - all that i'm living for
So right now we're still in Belgium.
The best part?
Yeah, we're homeless.
And all of our stuff is still at the train station.
I have no idea what we're going to do.
I just want to go home.
Right now I'm so scared that it actually hurts.
No idea when I'll be able to get online agian.
- What Is WRONG With Me?: scared
Mom and I were talking about shirts or something and somehow boobs came up. Neo was sitting there playing computer games (because he has the mentality of a twelve year old. I had to steal his phone from him because he played games on it all through dinner and it was the only way to get him to help pack. But he still pouted the whole time) and he looked up and said, "what are boobs?" in this totally clueless voice.
Now, I don't know if he really didn;t know or not, but I laughed. Hystarically. For five minutes.
What? It was funny. A 28 year old man playing comeputer games (the kiddy kind just then, btw. with the pastel creaters and points and mazes and such) looks up and asks cluelessly what boobs are. That's hilarity in my book.
And on a more serious note, we're moving this saturday. We have to get up at 6am and take a taxi to brussels with all of our baggage. I'm a bit nervous that we're not going to get everything packed in time. I helped mom last night, but she's not quite done, and I haven't even started on mine yet for various reasons. *sigh*
Oh, and my nana had her surgery yesterday. She had breast cancer and it was a rapidly spreading kind so they had to take the whole breast off. Luckily there were no complications and, thank god and goddess alike, no cancer had spread to her lymph nodes. I talked to her on the phone after surgery. She was groggy, but she felt okay otherwise. I just hope she keeps feeling ok. I feel bad for her. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to get a whole breast taken off, but it was better than the alternatives. Much better.
I've felt really guilty about not being there for her though. I've basically promised her that I will come back to the States sometime next year, and I will definitely be there for her birthday next year (her birthday was tuesday, the day before her surgery. Lovely birthday gift, eh?). Or at least I'll try my damndest.
Also, I'm going through a bit of a personal crisis right now, brought on by stress i'm sure. I'm not going to go into it right now, I'll probably only talk to one person about it if I get the guts to because though I usually have no problems being open, this is private and slightly (read: very) embarassing. Though I will tell you this, it's a relapse of something that happened before. Only this time it's more serious it seems. And I really hate myself for it too.
If you went back to the very first posts here, you might be able to figure it out, but then again, who really cares to devote that much time to trying to figure it out?
I should go. I'm getting in a bad mood.
- Where Is My Head These Days?:blargh...
- What Is WRONG With Me?: hungry
- Sweet Obsession:*sigh*
Some days will be total shit. Some days will starts out gloriously and end in hell, and vice versa too. And some days will be more heaven than you thought possible. But those are pretty rare for most people.
Sometimes life will be so boring and so mundane that you won't know what to do with yourself. Sometimes more things will happen at once than you think you can deal with. Sometimes that'll last for months and you'll wonder if you'll ever get a break and if life will always be this hard and if it's even worth living.
And you'll be lonely. So lonely that you'll feel so hollow it hurts, and so lonely that you'll feel bitter whenever you see a couple or a group of friends, even though you know that you know better than that. Or you'll have so many people around you that you wonder if anyone actually sees you for you. Though some are lucky, and they'll have those few special friends that keep them sane.
Sometimes it really hurts just to know, let alone cope.
But you know? I think I'd rather it this way. If life were totally perfect, I don't think I'd want to live it. That would just be boring. And what is it that really makes us know and treasure what happy feels like? The pain. The pure suckiness of life. You have to go through it so that when something good does come your way, you can know to grasp on to it and hold on like there's no tomorrow. Because sometimes there really isn't.
I'm not saying I'm a optimist. I'm not even saying that I even try and see the silver lining when it rains. After all, I cry more than I'd like to admit, I let the little things get to me, and sometimes I let the lonliness consume me. Even though I know good and well that if I wasn't alone, I simply wouldn't know what to do with myself. And I'll probably always fuel my self-hatred at least somewhat.
I am saying though, that when I get into one of these moods, I start thinking. Thinking about how it all fits together. I don't believe in chance, not really. I'd like to think everything happens for a reason, that it's all just one big puzzle that'll work out in the end. I'm not saying that it'll be a happy ending, more oft than not there's no such thing. But it's a big puzzle that we can learn from.
Something that you hear quite often is that it's the trials that shape us into the people we should be. I think it's said so often because it really is true. How you react, does make a big difference. But sometimes it's how you react to how you react. It's cleaning up your mess and dealing with the consequences. And it's realizing that no matter how much it hurts, it's going to make you somebody else.
And for people who don't really like themselves, that's always something to look forward to.
Life evolves. So do we. It hurts, but most things do. So maybe we should just try and remember that hurting and going through the worst kind of pain imaginable, it's going to make us into who we're supposed to be. And sometimes, what happens to us, where we get put, it opens doors for us.
I'm ashamed of who I've been these past months, and I know I probably won't like who I am going to be in the future months either because I let my emotions control me. But I know that it's just a road I have to take. As much as this hurts, as much as I envy people who could actually have their teen years for what they were supposed to be, I would still rather be me and be going through what I am than be some suberbun high schooler who has the american dream. Because that's really just no fun.
And maybe, just maybe, that's the important thing.
- Where Is My Head These Days?:right here and over ther too.
- What Is WRONG With Me?: contemplative
- Sweet Obsession:Nirvana - in bloom
And on a seperate note, did you know that HIM has a new CD out? It's called Venus Doom, aparently. I didn't know about it till this morning when I looked at their myspace page on a whim for the first time in a while. Listened to some songs that they had on there and watched the vid for one of the songs. Ville finally shaved off The Thing. Yay! Anyway, it looks like it's pretty good. I'm not sure if it'll be better than Razorblade Romance though. Still, I want it. Bad. Really. I wish I could afford to get it. *holds out hand* Donations? Donations for the poor begger girl? Please? No? Well, damn you then. xD
Oh, and don't you just hate it when you have two totally different songs stuck in your head and they mix together to create this weird monster? That's happening to e right now. A Marilyn manson song and this song from Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2nd Gig called What's it for by ...well, I don't know who its by, really. But it's a very soft song. Venessa Carlton (sp?) type soft song. And they're combining. Into this weird monster of a song. >_< Allow me to listen to something else to get it out of my head. lol
Oh, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what to do with my hair. I might try a brightish red while I save upf or bleach and two colours of dye. lol I do finally have the cut figured out though. Gotta wait for it to grow out some before I cut it thought so that I have more working room. Ya know?
- What Is WRONG With Me?: thoughtful
- Sweet Obsession:Fall Out Boy - nobody puts baby in the corner
- Where Is My Head These Days?:Where else?
- What Is WRONG With Me?: accomplished
- Sweet Obsession:None, but I have a Blink 182 song (what's my age agian?) stuck in my head.
And on that note, I was browsing through photobucket, and look at this:
Omg, so awesome! Really. Adorable. I love the shading (WTF is it with you and shading????) and the touch of the light blue (it's quickly becoming my favourite colours as of late). Honestly though, I love this. Whoever has it is lucky. lol So kawaii!
- What Is WRONG With Me?: ditzy
- Sweet Obsession:Hello Goodbye - touchdown turnaround
- What Is WRONG With Me?: giddy
- Sweet Obsession:CHIODOS - there's no penguins in alaska
- What Is WRONG With Me?: blank
I'm glad that we finally have an actual date though. I was getting stressed about when we were leaving. Now we just have to worry about getting more suitcases and getting all our stuff there. God, I wish I could get rid of a few things, but I have so few thinsg now that I don't really knwo what to get rid off. Plus mom won't let me. I was practically begging her to let me sell my art stuff, but she wouldn't let me.
I'm just kinda worried about getting the stuff there, you know? It's the details that always kill me. And teh fact that I'll have to do it all over agian in a year or so. And maybe even sometime in-between too to go to another place in england. Mom is trying to get a job with some agency and they told her that it'll probably be in London. So we might be moving to there after a few months. I don't mind now that I know I probably won't be going to school.
I'm hoping though, that when we go back to teh states, we'll go to one of the northern states. I've always wanted to go to Mass. or Vermont or whatever, you know? Omg, I wish I could go to Salem one halloween. That would be so friggin cool. lol aaand, thsi just got random. But anyway, I'll probably work while we're in England and then go back to the states and go to school. And I know, this blog is getting repetative, so I'll just shut up now. lol
And don't ask me about the completly random qoute that popped into my head. It's from a story that I'm reading and for some reason I love that line. lol
- What Is WRONG With Me?: bouncy
- Sweet Obsession:Sum 41 - Some Say